I wrote this poem in 2014, nine days before Robin Williams killed himself.
This post has been sitting in my drafts for years.
But I had these plans to start blogging regularly in the future and I wanted to stockpile my content so that I didn’t post something depressing and then disappear for four years.
The blog isn’t back, I don’t have the energy to maintain it.
But it’s time to share this poem, even if I don’t post again for another four years.
I’ve suffered from depression since I was 11 years old.
In August 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (2), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
A few days after my diagnosis I experienced one of my most extreme emotional spirals to date.
I went from depression, to uncontrollable rage, and eventually plummeted into intense suicidal ideation.
I committed myself to the psych ward of the hospital that night.
Since then I’ve made enormous progress in my mental and emotional health.
My episodes are fewer, but I still struggle daily to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
Last night I felt myself spiraling.
I am well enough that I can control my negative impulses, and I’m experiencing fewer negative impulses than I used to.
But I still feel unwell.
Uncomfortable inside of myself.
And…tired.
I feel like I should talk about it, but I lack the energy.
Instead, I offer you this poem that I wrote nearly 4 years ago while I try to muster up the energy to take a shower.
Locksmith: A poem about depression by Jenn Rian
