A few weeks ago Kim Kardashian almost broke the internet by showing the world all of her bits and pieces. There were nekkid booties everywhere. Right away the internet channeled it’s snark into hilarious memes and hashtags including: “Things that look like Kim Kardashian’s bum“. In the meantime a completely modest photo of me breastfeeding was reported on Facebook for being nudity…for the second time! <sarcasm>Because the world makes sense.</sarcasm>
With Kim K’s shiny, nekkid booty keeping the internet abuzz whilst my own completely clothed breasts where creating Facebook controversy I wondered what the internet would come up with if they started a “#ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs” hashtag about my tatas…
Many years ago while still full of life my boobs raised eyebrows. Now they are flat like pancakes. (Keep a careful eye out for the puns. They’re so subtle you might miss them. Kinda like my boobs. Ba-dum-ching!)
If only they were still round like pancakes. I once was a tart with an ample rack of cupcakes but carrying two babies past their due dates and nursing for 3 years was a recipe for boobs that resemble rolled out bread dough.
Formerly busting out of sweaters my boobs have now burst like overfilled water balloons. Well, it was more like a slow leak and I was left with drained, deflated balloon boobs.
I’ve considered filling them with helium but I’m afraid they’ll just sound funny.
Tube socks. They look like flat tube socks. Ironically, they sag so low that soon enough I’ll literally be able to use them to cover my feet.
The Many Personalities of Tube Sock Boobs: The “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, The “Curtsy”, The “Please, Sir, I Want Some More”, The “Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Solider”, and The “Fruit Roll Up”.
Between their flattened state and the stretchmarks it looks as though my boobs were run over by a tractor leaving behind huge tracts of land.
I should be stocking up on Wonderbras now that my knee-highs are knee-lows. My poor old boobs look like a stretched out pair of nylons stuffed with super balls. Also, insert a joke here about “tights“…I’m running low on puns.
*This space reserved for a joke about control top or sheer-to-waist.*
This is where I attempt to parody Kim K’s infamous Papermag images. If you’ve never seen her 4 photos these likely will make no sense. They likely make no sense even if you have seen her photos, but I aim to confuse (and amuse).
A brave comparison of the girls in 1998 and present-day.
Maybe my boobs look like tube socks. Maybe my butt doesn’t look like two hams that have been rolled around in a butter-filled kiddie pool (…and I don’t think I would want it to. *shudder*). But I’m okay with that.
I don’t hate my post-baby body. I actually LOVE my body, saggy boobs, muffin top, and ALL. You can call your stretchmarks Tiger Stripes if that makes you feel better…and I’ll call mine Tire Tracks. I gotta be able to laugh at myself…a lot…because sometimes the truth is just FUNNY! I hope that you’re comfortable in your post-partum skin because it really IS a beautiful thing. It’s different, but it’s beautiful. And if you’re not quite ready to laugh at yourself yet…then laugh at me! I really don’t mind.
SERIOUS NOTE: Breastfeeding isn’t what causing your breasts to sag. Pregnancy does. Well, pregnancy, heredity, and aging. So blame your great-grandma and Father Time, but not the mommy milk. Feel free to nurse those bubs without worry. Check out the articles below for more info on what causes post-partum post-nursing breasts to sag.
*Breastfeeding Does Not Make Breasts Sag, Study Suggests
*Breastfeeding Does Not Cause Breasts to Sag
*Does Breastfeeding Cause Saggy Breasts?
*Will My Breast Sag After Breastfeeding?
*What? Breastfeeding actually prevents sagging?
*Twin Study Shows Moisturizing, Breast Feeding Stall Breast Aging
*Breast Problems After Breastfeeding
*Myths and Facts About Breastfeeding
*Breast-Feeding After Implants Won’t Cause Sagging, Study Finds
I hope you found this post uplifting and that it raised your spirits!
I’m here if you need any support!
What things look like your post-baby boobs?
Let me know in the comments!
OR tweet using hashtag #ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs!
Read my family blog coolestfamilyontheblock.com where I pretend to be a good mom.
At 34 and in a D cup since 2000, my girls have already deflated a bit. It’s probably a number of things and I’m not overly happy about it since I’m around young women with perky tatas all the time when I go to classes but hey, it’s life. It’ll catch up to them eventually. Plus, with the right top and a good bra I can at least pretend I still have an awesome rack.
Kim recently posted…Book Review: Who Stole My Spandex?
Ha! In my early 20s I was the manager of the lingerie department and I had to do lots of bra fittings with old ladies. I saw the future and it wasn’t pretty…I just didn’t expect the future to come so soon :/
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
i guess I was lucky…after three babies and breastfeeding, mine are delightful. I was pretty small before, I’ve gone up a cup size and am a little more perky.
Don’t hate me.
Liv recently posted…Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m trying to be okay with this, I really am. But just. Let’s maybe not talk for a little while, okay?
:'(
P.S. I’m still a D-cup…but I have to roll them up to stick them in my bra 🙁
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Mums the word.
Liv recently posted…Happy Thanksgiving!
Bwahahahahahaha….hAHAHAHAHAH….*deep breath in* HaaaaaaaaHaahahahahahah. *sighs waving hands in surrender* I love you Jenn. Aaahhhhh. I’ll laugh with you because mine look like deflated basket balls with bird footprints all over them.
Mary recently posted…Doggie Lawn for Cats Review
I love you too, Mary! 🙂
Deflated basketballs with bird footprints, huh? I wonder how I can hang those from my shirt for my next post 😉
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Jenn, you are one of a kind (OK, two of a kind!)
Sarah Day recently posted…#3: Holiday task planning for kids
Ba-dum-ching! haha, love it! 🙂
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Look how many ways you can style them! They’re so versatile!
They certainly are! I appreciate the variety 😉
Let’s haiku…
Boobs, why do you now
hang below my waistband and
rest on both my knees?
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
This is possibly, the funniest thing that I have read and seen ALL year! I love it!
Echo recently posted…Let’s Take A World Tour!
Score! There’s only a month left, so hopefully I can win Funniest Blog Post 2014! 😉
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Love. this. post!!! My post-baby boobs are definitely tube socks. My poor bra is struggling just to keep them in, much less up. But like you, I love my post-baby body. I carried life within this amazing body – and I don’t mind the bumps and bruises at all because I have my little man. Great, fabulous post! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Natasha @ Epic Mommy Adventures recently posted…A Single Mom’s Thanksgiving: How 7 Single Moms Spent Thanksgiving This Year
Awesome, Natasha! Sometimes it’s still a shocker to me because I forget that my body is different. But I suppose that’s good because I’m not really dwelling on the differences. Our bodies can do some amazing things.
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
After 3 pregnancies in 35 months and basically 4 straight years nursing, my 34Bs are now 36AAA. Idk how that works. At least they’re still perky! I’m proud of my pooch (the kids call it the mom pillow). I’m not the dainty flower I once was, but I love my body more now for what it has done then I did in my pre-mommy life for how it looked.
“Mom pillow”…I love that! And I love to hear about ladies that are comfortable with their new bodies. So many are so hard on themselves.
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Fruit Roll Up SLAYS me! You goofy girl! Hilarious photos!
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) recently posted…Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny Acts
I wish “fruit roll up” didn’t come from actual experience 😉 Thanks, I’m a weirdo!
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
Jen! The boobs are fab, but it’s your facial expressions! I’m dying, girl–thanks for making my Monday morning!
Meredith recently posted…Get the Pictures You Always Wanted
Yay! So glad I could, um, “lift” your spirits 😉
Jenn Rian recently posted…Things that look like my post-baby boobs
I can totally relate! Fun read. Thanks!
Yes! This was FANTASTIC! Hilarious, and yet so so true haha. THANK YOU for saying that breastfeeding does not cause saggy boobs! It drives me crazy that people say that and tell new mothers this. Personally, I couldn’t care less if it did because nothing would stop me from breastfeeding, but it is definitely something that could deter others. I love how open and comfortable you are with your body! I am working on that. I have definitely improved. I don’t want the same body I had before, because that body didn’t create, bear, and birth two beautiful babies. I am proud that my body may look like a body that had children. I am trying to focus more on just being healthy. I’m nursing a baby anyway, can’t try TOO hard to lose weight!
I have used the deflated balloon metaphor many a time! That’s just exactly how they feel.
This made me laugh! I fortunately/unfortunately didn’t have this experience. I went from a D to an H with my first who I nursed for 2+ years. Went down to a G then up to an I with my second. And back to an H. I’m now expecting my third, 8 years after #2 and I’m a J. Each time I imagined how saggy my boobs would be when I stopped breast feeding. But they didn’t sag. They stayed pretty solid. And way too big! My stomach on the other hand deflated and sagged a lot. It is what it is I guess!
you’re amazing. I needed a good laugh and I’m laughing with you sister. I’m ‘down’ with that, and [our bras are] ‘picking up what you’re putting down.’
I never breastfed, and mine hang around my ankles. In fact, I just went to Victoria’s Secret and bought a push-up bra. Now, they are only around my knees.
Great post!
Jennifer at Making Our Life Matter recently posted…Children’s Books To Celebrate Hanukkah
You are fabulous!!
I just found you through this post and I love your wit! This post is awesome. Thanks for sharing these funny pictures and a very important message – to love your body and all the amazing stuff it has done 🙂
Julia a.k.a. Mama MOE recently posted…Talking Toys on Breakfast Television Montreal #MattelHoliday
Love it, thanks for the laugh! I’ve been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the past 6.5 years and mine have gone from a perky D cup to fruit roll up E cup. I call mine ‘wet bags of sand.’
I’ve breastfeed 3 children and mine are actually a little bigger than they were before I had children. Unfortunately, that’s the only place I got stretch marks (aka tiger stripes LOL). Thanks for sharing-I love your comparisons AND facial expressions. PRICELESS!
Thanks for sharing this post, it really put a fun loving look on such a touchy subject. I have 2 beautiful children and wouldn’t trade them for anything but still have a hard time dealing with my saggy boobs! Some days I embrace them whole heartedly and think how wonderful it was that they fed 2 small humans and other days I look back at photos of my pre baby boobs and want to cry. I’m not a superficial person and I believe it is important to love yourself and your body no matter what but I can’t seem to accept the loss of my once perky and full boobs. Sounds hypocritical I know, I never thought it would affect me this way although then again no one told me I’d be trading in my set for pancakes! It helps to know there are other woman out there who feel the same as me and that I’m not alone. We need to band together and show the world how beautiful post baby bodies are and what an amazing miracle it is to harbour tiny humans in those fabulous bodies! Keep up the awesome posts! Thanks for the support.
“ no one told me I’d be trading in my set for pancakes!”
“Pancakes” or “flapjacks”are “the worst”, but “the worst” is good.
“We need to band together and show the world how beautiful post baby bodies are”
Preach it! It is the brassieres and other clothing that are sinful – at least when the weather is warm.
q-8;