Jonathan’s birth was going to be an attempted VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). Two and a half years prior at my daughter’s birth I had a really pushy doctor that bullied me into interventions that I didn’t want that resulted in a c-section because my baby was “too big”.
You know those beautiful birth stories that you read about how the mother gently births her baby into the world in a relaxing birthing tub while her husband rubs her back, kisses her forehead, and cries at the miracle before him? Well, this isn’t one of those stories. Mostly because if my husband even breathed in my general direction while I was in labor I would gut him like a fish. Also, I tend to have a tiny flair for the dramatic. Ahem.
I was due on February 05, 2012 and began prodromal labor two days prior. On February 07 I woke up with a lot of discharge after having some hourly painful contractions throughout the night, maybe it was the mucus plug. I went about my day as usual and that evening we went out to eat as a family and went to the mall. At 2:15am I had a painful contraction and I swear that I actually heard something pop. I woke my husband up to tell him I think my water broke and by the time he had turned the light on I was soaked.
After he helped me get cleaned up I had him call the doula right away. She said that we probably had some time and to try to go back to sleep and she would be there as soon as she could in the morning. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I had read everything about VBAC that I could get my hands on. I knew there was a risk of uterine rupture, but I also knew that the risk was minimal. During my pregnancy, I had no fear or doubts about attempting a VBAC. Until my water broke. And now I was terrified and wanted the doula to be there right that very second because surely my uterus would explode at any moment. My husband was able to go back to sleep. Me, not so much.
As time went by I continued to have contractions stronger and closer together. My baby boy was moving and wiggling inside of me. Concentrating on his sweet baby wiggles knowing that it would be the last time that I would feel them helped calm my fears.
Early in the morning, I woke my husband to tell him that my contractions were 7 minutes apart and that he should call the doula soon, but the contractions got so intense once I woke him that I insisted he call her immediately. Then those tricky little contractions jumped from 7 minutes apart to 1 minute apart. Where did my other 6 minutes go?!
Both of our moms were there by the time my doula arrived at 7:30am and my contractions were right on top of each other. I could hear my daughter waking up in the other room and I started screaming for someone to get her downstairs before she saw me and how much pain I was in.
Ever since my contractions had jumped to 1 minute apart I had forgotten all of my fears about my potentially exploding uterus and concentrated on the pain and the possibility that the baby may fall out of me on the way to the bathroom.
And then it happened. I was standing up when my body started involuntarily pushing without me. The best way that I can explain it is it felt like my vagina was throwing up…dry heaving, more accurately. I wasn’t pushing, my body was pushing.
As much as I would’ve loved to have had a home birth, it’s not what we had planned and now I wasn’t sure what we should do. Luckily my doula was also a monitrice and a midwife in training, so she checked me for dilation. I was 10 centimeters! 10! That’s go-time! She said that she was a little surprised that I was so far along judging by how well I was handling the contractions.
So, I just made that up because after my doula read this she said that I was only 8cm (10cm and I would’ve been staying put), so I’m a liar, liar vagina on fire. I blame labor brain. Shut up, it’s a thing.
Do we stay at home and have the baby, do we try to drive to the hospital and risk having the baby in the car? And which hospital do we go to? The hospital that we were supposed to birth at was 40 minutes away, but there was another hospital with completely different doctors that was only 20 minutes away.
We decided to go to the hospital that was closer even though none of my doctors were there and none of them had ever heard of me before. Still in my nightgown, I slipped on tennis shoes, and without socks or coat, I got into the van. My husband drove there as fast as he could and I screamed moaned the whole way there. My contractions were right on top of each other, my body was still involuntarily pushing, and the bumps and turns from the road made everything so much more painful.
We pulled up in front of the ER and abandoned our van as a nurse came running with a wheelchair. Like a scene out of a movie, my husband ran behind us as I was wheeled through the hospital moaning and growling loudly.
I had brought a Pretty Pushers gown but had left it in the van along with my birth plan. As my husband answered the nurse’s questions I continued moaning while I was being dressed in a hospital gown and hooked up to all manner of things…something I stated that I didn’t want in my birth plan.
The nurse checked me for dilation. In fact, she thought it would be a super fun idea to check me for dilation while I was having a contraction. And in case you’ve never experienced that before, it feels like someone is sticking a chainsaw up your hoohaw. Which is just a titch painful.
After that oh-so-pleasant internal exam, the nurse announces that I am…
7 centimeters dilated. 7 centimeters. Not 10. 3 less centimeters than 10. Only 7. Not 10. 🙁
…and because I’m only 7 centimeters I can’t push. Don’t push. Stop pushing. Even though I’m not pushing on purpose! So basically try to stop my body from pushing without my permission. Riiiiiiight. Not a problem.
In the meantime someone had fetched my bag and my birth plan and the nurse actually told my husband, “We don’t have time to read that right now…” Yet she made me lay on the bed doing nothing for an hour while waiting for me to dilate to 10 centimeters. But maybe she was too busy to read it because she decided to do more chainsaw checks for dilation approximately every 10 minutes.
After an hour of trying not to push I finally got the blessing from my nurse to begin pushing. She kept insisting that I wear an oxygen mask and if I accidentally moved the fetal monitor slightly she would stop the whole show and tell me, “You can’t let this move. This has to stay right here. Don’t let this move.” But the oxygen mask and fetal monitor made it more difficult to push because it was so hot…and not “It’s a lovely day for swimming” hot, but more like, “SWEET MOSES, WHY IS THIS BED ON FIRE?!” hot. And it was February. In Pennsylvania. I felt like I couldn’t breath. Which, by the way, is an important part of staying conscious. And being conscious is beneficial when trying to push a human being out of your lady-hole.
Just sayin’.
(Tom Hanks in Castaway is completely unrelated to this story. Just thought my illustration looked like Wilson.)
I was hours into pushing and started to get discouraged. Maybe my first baby was too big. Maybe my pelvis is too small. Maybe it wasn’t all of the interventions the first time and I’m going to need a c-section again. I was so focused on pushing that it never occurred to me to ask to change positions and the one time that I tried made the nurse unhappy. My resourceful doula had reminded me of a birthing position that we’d discussed previously called the McRoberts Maneuver. It’s often used in cases of shoulder dystocia (which the baby did not have) to enlarge the pelvic outlet. Basically you lay flat on your back hold your legs up/back and when you push, lift your butt off of the table and as high up in the air as you can get it. It was like freaking Cirque du Soleil. Except I pooped myself. And no one in Cirque du Soleil poops themselves. I hope.
My arms got so weak that I had to hold onto the sides of the bed and have my husband and doula hold my legs up for me. It must’ve worked because eventually, the doctor came in to prep for birth. My doula overheard them talking about giving me an episiotomy and knowing that my birth plan (which they hadn’t read) stated that I didn’t want one, she told them to ask for my consent. I declined. #birthadvocatesforthewin
I have no idea how it happened, but sometime between putting on a hospital gown and crowning, I ended up naked. Prior to this experience I just didn’t understand WHY all of the ladies in birthing videos were naked, just…why?! Well…because I felt like I was giving birth on the surface of the sun, being naked was fine by me, even if I can’t remember how I got naked in the first place. Once it was “showtime” about 30 people came into the room and the nurse was all, “Are you okay being uncovered like this?” and I was like, “OMG, SHUT UP! A TINY HUMAN IS TRYING TO RIP APART MY SPECIAL PURPOSE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!”
Of course, I didn’t actually say that. I don’t remember what I said but it was so hot and I was in so much pain and I was so close to getting the baby out that I seriously did not care if my 6th grade math teacher had walked in right then, I wasn’t going to stop what I was doing to cover up everything except for my vagina!
(And if you’ve read this post you’ll probably find this illustration hilarious.)
Once it was time to push his head out I started to get afraid again, and not just about uterine rupture, but about potentially ripping my nether regions to shreds. My doula told me to push slowly and breathe the baby out, but at this point my mind was mush and I had no idea what she was talking about. As I pushed out my son’s head I kept screaming, “It hurts! It hurts!” and my doula quietly whispered, “I know.” But I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience where at that very same moment that idiot me was screaming “It hurts!” the version of me with a fully functioning brain was saying,
“No crap, stupid! Of course it hurts!”
But it didn’t hurt for long. As soon as that beautiful, giant head came out of me I experienced relief unlike I’d ever experienced before. Birthing a head is a million times more comfortable than having it jammed in your pelvis, even if Lady Tenderpuss is still radiating pain from the infamous ring of fire.
With the doctor shining a giant spotlight onto my lady parts I pushed the rest of my son out in a roomful of strangers completely naked. I mean, they were all clothed, but whatever. My son was born Wednesday, February 08, 2012 at 11:59am via unmedicated VBAC after 2.5 hours of pushing (9 hours and 44 minutes after my water broke). I held my son to my chest and we both cried. Once the initial elation had worn off I started to feel like someone should give me an award of some kind. I mean the baby was great and all, but I wouldn’t have refused a big trophy had I been presented with one.
As cliché as it may sound I definitely felt empowered after my VBAC. In fact, I felt so empowered that I wanted to push out all of the babies in the hospital. “Look what I can dooooo!”
My son weighed 9 lbs 6 oz was 22 inches long and had a head circumference of 36.5 cm (14.37 inches). He was 1 pound bigger, .5” longer, with a head over an inch bigger than my supposed “too big” c-section baby. I really wanted to go back to my c-section doctor Pretty Woman style and rub it in her face. To this day I’m still curious about whether or not she was the doctor on call that day.
Before I left the delivery room my nurse said that I was the most “fierce pusher” that she’d ever seen. Shortly after birth, I would have proof of that fact, because I pushed so hard that I pulled nearly every muscle in my entire body. My legs were weak and wobbly and my arm muscles felt massive. I had broken the blood vessels around my eyes and I couldn’t get my eyes to focus. I felt like they were rolling around in my sockets like Cookie Monster. I even pulled the muscles in my tongue. My tongue. I didn’t even know that was possible! In fact, it even swelled up to the point where I was talking funny.
Between the fact that I had pulled all of my muscles, had an almost 3rd-degree tear, and OMG the postpartum contractions came on fast and strong and felt like my uterus contained Samurai sextuplets…I simply could not make it to the bathroom in time. Every time I had a contraction the pee just came rushing out of me while I sat there in bed. This resulted in a nice case of diaper rash.
I don’t know why so many women have trouble loving their postpartum bodies. I was covered in my own urine, but I felt like a Princess.
In fact, postpartum I looked just like a Princess. Princess Fiona.
Sure, I looked like an ogre, peed my pants when I blinked, and felt like I was sitting on razor blades for a month, but it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I’m kind of in love with the prize that I got to bring home.
***I hope my illustrations don’t give the wrong impression. Birth is painful business, yes, but it was amazing and awesome and I wouldn’t have done it any other way! I recovered nicely and everything was so wildly different from my c-section (which destroyed me emotionally) that it’s hard to compare the two. Birth is amazing and despite the scary pictures, I consider this story one of the best days of my life!
What was your birth experience like? Were you naked?
Was your 6th grade math teacher there?
Let me know in the comments!
Read my family blog coolestfamilyontheblock.com where I pretend to be a good mom.
This post is linked to…
*Talk of the Parent Blogosphere
*Friday Flash Blog No. 56
OMG Jenn! I just woke up my entire house with my laughter! You are a riot! I agree, all women who have to endure labor should most definitely receive a trophy. Encrusted with 40 carats of diamonds. You are a trooper, that’s for sure! My doctor cut my hoo-hoo AND I ripped. I pooped TWICE, I didn’t have an epidural either (although mine wasn’t by choice, I just didn’t have time and to be honest because I was in the Loony World of Pain, I forgot to ask), I used the “F” word A LOT and I lost enough blood to share with 10 people. Wait. Why do we do this? Oh right, because the end result is so worth it. Except as soon as my baby popped out, post pardom set in and I wasn’t feeling the love. But, that’s a story for another time and you will have to wait for my book. Thanks for the laughs. This was great! (I didn’t care if the all of the members of the Giants football team was in the room, either. It’s funny how you just don’t care, isn’t it?). Oh, and I LOVE your illustrations!!!
Oh, Mo, I can so relate. I had PPD after both births and I had a difficult time bonding with my daughter after my c-section. I just felt like someone was making me babysit while I was super tired and in pain. I loved her, I didn’t want harm to come to her, but I didn’t feel that overwhelming joy and love that everyone says that you experience. It was rough!
This. Is. HILARIOUS! And this is also why I am glad a chose to have a repeat C-section with my daughter, lol. Hospital at 6, hang out a while socializing, prep at 7, in OR at 7:15, baby out at 7:30, in recovery by 7:45 and back in the room holding my baby by 9. Easy peasy. Of course the next few days are pretty rough, but it couldn’t have been worse than THIS story, lol.
hahaha! It sounds bad, maybe scary, but it was awesome! And I love that it was funny and a little dramatic, makes for a good story 😉
I’m so glad that you are pleased with your birth 🙂 I did not handle my c-section well the first time, I don’t really know how I would’ve felt if I had to have another one. I might’ve went full on crazy-town!
I’m a super hero VBACer too!
Woohoo! Congrats Supermom!!
I’m so happy for you and that you were able to deliver your baby the way you wanted to. I had three c-sections and had wondered if I would ever have been able to do a VBAC. My husband is in the military, so he was deployed each time I gave birth, and I felt it was the most straight forward approach after the first c-section… and basically I was scared out of my mind about the whole uterine rupture thing. I never went through the labor process naturally, as I was induced with my first at three days overdue. I wasn’t even dilated a single centimeter… never dilated with any of my kids actually. So even if I had wanted to try a VBAC… maybe it really just wasn’t ever in the cards for me?
I love hearing success stories like yours! A huge Happy Birthday to your son… Peace and Love!
Thanks for sharing, Tiffany. My c-section was such a bad experience for me emotionally. Some people have no trouble at all, and that’s awesome. My mom had c-sections and really had a hard time relating to my negative feelings toward the experience. My sister had a c-section after me and was thrilled with her experience.
I couldn’t imagine having my husband away for the births 🙁 Although, admittedly he (and all humans) just got on my nerves during labor and I really just wanted to go have my babies all alone in a field somewhere 😉 But that must be a really difficult thing to endure, I think I may have opted for RCS if I were in the same position.
Many women that don’t go into labor the first time have no trouble with it in the future and go on to have successful vbacs. Others never go into labor and have to have repeat c-sections. It could go either way. It’s so weird how your body can act one way for one birth and a different way for another. You just never know.
Thank you so much for stopping by, I so appreciated you sharing your story with me! 🙂
Best…. thing…. ever.
🙂 I’m looking forward to the birth story of the impending babypotamus. Makes we want to have another baby! Or not.
Oh my goodness. My first birth story could be THIS birth story. I’m going to have to come back and share more details with you when I have time later. I love the illustrations- brings me back 🙂
Yes, I want the details, poop, tearing va-jay-jays…the works! 😉
LOL!!!!!!!!!!! You crack me up…and there weren’t quite that many people in the room! Love the illustrations! Proud of you, love you and love my beautiful granddaughter and grandson more than words…no matter how they made their entrance into this world! Mom
There were 3 times that many people in the room. Don’t lie, mom, you’re not allowed to lie on the internet 😉
This to me the best post I have read in a very loooong time! Congrats on an all natural VBAC. I had a nurse let me after 9 hours of laboring that I was 9.5 cm the midwife can in to check and told me I was 7 after that point I thought I was going to LOSE it! It’s the most discouraging news ever at that point. But in the end you hold the baby and nothing matters 😉 Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks, Jen! 🙂 My c-section was such a miserable experience. Had trouble bonding with my daughter and PPD, ya know, the fun stuff 🙁 As crazy as this birth story sounds it was truly amazing and a very positive experience 🙂
I was entertained by the cartoons of your VBAC–hysterical! After having 5 kids and 5 c-sections I can say that I will live vicariously through your comic strip!
Thanks, Jenna, I thought the whole thing was pretty comical. 5 c-sections? You deserve a medal!
I seems all babies make their way into this world in an, ummm, unique way. Way to go, mamma!
haha, thank you! Indeed each birth story is different. And some are illustrated 😉
Birth stories are always an adventure. Congrats on your new little one!
Thank you 🙂 He just turned 2 years old…they really do grow up sooo fast!
That was intense! And Hilarious! I found myself breathing a sigh of relief when the head finally popped out! LOL
Totally LMAO-ed when I finally found out what that guy with a “flag” was doing. LOL
Sooo glad it’s your turn today! 😀
hahaha, yeah, I’m sure people were pretty confused about the “flag”. I was going to leave it out, but I thought it was too funny not to include, for those who have been following me long enough to remember the story.
Good thing you included the link! Added more laughs to my round 😉
make that “rounds” lol
Hahah I love the pictures!!
Thanks, they took weeks to complete believe or not!
I love the pictures. Really funny!!
#sitsblogging
Thank you! I think I’ve scared a lot of people away from birth, though! Oops!
Haha. I’m done having babies, but I’m a nurse so I appreciate your perspective and humor. Really, really great job!
OMG, this is hilarious! I’m cry/laughing. Happy BIRTH day to you and your son! #SITs
Thanks so much! Just cry/laughing? I’ll have to try harder next time. My job isn’t done until everyone’s peed themselves like I did 😉
I have never had a child before so I have to say this was a bit scary and a good form of birth control, haha! However, I love your frank and humorous writing style!
Hahaha! I’m sorry. And also, you’re welcome 😉
I know it sounds terrifying, but it was truly awesome as well 🙂
Wow! Love the illustrations. And I will add…I am so glad I am done having babies. Stopping by from SITS. 🙂
Thank you 🙂 I wouldn’t mind having a few more. It’s bringing them home and taking care of them afterwards that I’m not sure I can make the commitment to do again 😉
I don’t know what was the best part of this post. The written picture, or the diagrams. Okay, the diagrams. Jenn, this post was freaking hilarious. And God bless you! I was the wimp that got an epidural after 3.6 contractions! Congratulations on your blessing!
Stopping in from SITS!
Thanks 🙂 The illustrations took forever to complete but I knew that they would help really help tell the story 😉
Not gonna lie, it definitely hurt. But it didn’t hurt that bad. I really expected it to be worse. Also, I was always afraid of the pushing being the painful part, but the contractions were so painful that pushing felt great!
These illustrations had me rolling!
Stopping by from SITS!
If only I had rolled maybe the bed wouldn’t have been on fire 😉 Thanks for visiting 🙂
This just made me crack up!
So glad! 🙂 Crack up, split your sides, rip your vagina…all acceptable reactions 😉
Jen, your story is incredible! I love the way you told it…but more importantly….I love that you had a story like this to tell! I delivered both my girls naturally, the first was 9lbs 4oz, the second was 11lbs even. IT WAS NOT EASY. Obviously the labor was hard, but even worse, the medical community made it hard. I had BIG babies. They were talking c-section before I could even get to 8 months preggers. I had to change doctors in my 8th month, I kid you not (haha see what I did there?).
I LOVE that you did this and you should be proud of yourself. What an incredible story and I loved reading every minute of it! Your description was SPOT ON!!
Woah, Jennifer, you definitely deserve a trophy! Seriously, doctors make labor and delivery so much more difficult. I’m glad to hear that you were still able to birth your big girls naturally despite the doctors.
Way to go on your VBAC! I snorted pretty loud when I saw your Post Partum Princess comparison!
I am not yet ready to share my birth stories yet but when I am, you will be the first to know!
The resemblance is uncanny, right?!
And please do! I LOVE birth stories, I’m such a huge birth nerd 🙂
LOVE your illustrations! What a riot! Glad it all turned out well in the end. What an ordeal! I attempted a VBAC with my second despite my doctor trying to convince me to go straight to a planned c-section. I went into labour on my own which was fabulous because my first was induced. I was so happy to know that my body did know what to do. Unfortunately at one point I just wasn’t progressing and we were worried about the baby so I had another c-section. But I’m glad I tried. Since then my sister has had 2 babies. I was her coach for both births and she had them both with no pain meds. They were absolutely precious moments I’ll never forget. It helped fill a gap that I felt from not being able to deliver mine naturally as I would have liked. In the end I’m glad they all came into the world healthy and happy.
That’s amazing that you could experience your sister’s births. My sister also had a c-section (but was thrilled about it). It is good that you got to try for the vbac, otherwise you might’ve always wondered. I know I would’ve and it would’ve driven me crazy. But so glad that you had successful safe births! 🙂
This has been the best birth story I have ever read! Congratulations! #SITSblogging
Thanks so much! Glad I have a healthy boy and giddy that I have a great story to tell 🙂
I laughed out loud through this whole post. You’re right, birth is empowering as long as you’re willing to let go of your dignity and all bodily control. My 2nd was born so fast I can remember the nurse telling me not to push because the doctor wasn’t there yet. Yeah, right, I’ll just hold it. In my mind the doctor walked in and the baby just sort of landed in her hands, but I’m sure it wasn’t quite like that.
Seriously, trying not to push was the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done. And for all of our rushing to the hospital thinking the baby would fall out of me, it was still another 3.5 hours before he was born, so I guess I had more time than we thought. That being said, both the ob and my doula said now that my son paved the way (vaginally) the next baby will come fast and quick. Homebirth it is!
Oh My Gosh! You WIN for the best birth story ever! Our babies share a birthday. My son was born February 8th of 2004. His birth story was short and sweet, no illustrations needed – Thankfully. My two daughters on the other hand, well they are girls so there are not enough illustrations in the world to fully describe the craziness of their births!
Stopping by from the SITS Challenge
Aw, yay, happy belated birthday to your son! My daughter (first born) was a c-section and I still have so much pent up resentment from the experience that I can’t really find the humor in it. I’m trying though, because I’d really like to rewrite her birth story with a more lighthearted spin on it. Right now it just sounds so bitter 🙁
Thanks so much for visiting 🙂
Wow, amazing birth story, TFS!
~Jamie
Jamie, thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂
LOVE this birth story! Hilarious and thanks for sharing!! #SITSblogging
I’m so glad that you like it, Jennie! I’m sure it wasn’t nearly as funny when it happened but this is how I remember it 🙂
I enjoyed your VBAC to the future: A birth story, thanks for sharing. #SITSblogging
Thanks for visiting, Jamilla! 🙂
LOL! I love your humor! Glad you got your VBAC!
Thanks! I’m glad too, it was amazing 🙂
This was hilarious! With my first I had an epidural and all that jazz. Pushed for 3 freaking hours. My second I decided to go natural, just like you, and it was so freaking worth it. It hurt and I cussed and I hated my Doctor when he said ” Oh come on, its not that bad.” I pooped everywhere and cried for an epidural when I knew it was too late. But you know what? I had a smaller tear than I did with my first. I was able to get up and move around an hour after birth. But best of all I felt so empowered knowing that I could do it drug free. So worth it. I loved every minute of your story and could relate so much.
Wait HE said it’s not that bad, oh heellll naw! I think I would’ve kicked him in the crotch and screamed “Say that one more time and you’re getting the episiotomy!” Seriously, this crazy “painful” experience was soooo much better than the epidural and c-section. I hated the epidural, it made me tired and loopy and I felt like the life was draining from me. When I told my ob that I hated the epidural because it made me tired and dizzy she said, “Epidurals don’t make you tired. Birth makes you tired.” Hold me back, just hold me back! Despite all of my pulled muscles and everything I felt so much better after my natural birth than my c-section.
Congrats on your natural birth and so glad that you enjoyed and could relate to my story 🙂
Omg these pictures are great, haha!! May I ask how you created them — too funny! I was considering a Vbac but decided on a csection because I couldn’t fathom the idea of tearing…even though I know another csection may bring on other issues. But good to know that you can get through it!! Visiting from SITS.
Thank you 🙂 I made the pictures in Paint, took forever!
The tearing definitely was not fun, I felt like I was on pins and needles for awhile and for the first few weeks I thought I’d split in half every time I used the bathroom. BUT after awhile everything healed nicely and I don’t even notice it now, however, I still have some occasional pain and discomfort in my nearly 5 year old c-section scar.
But good for you for making your own informed choice about birth, that’s what matters! 🙂
Very funny post. I think every woman that goes through childbirth loses every sense of modesty she had walking in! #sitsblogging
Really, you watch those birthing videos and you just don’t understand how those ladies are just walking around completely naked…until it happens to you! It’s a lesson in humility for sure (the first of many in motherhood!).
Oh my goodness, this was such a wild ride! I’ve never had a child, and now I think I’m scared to ever have one! You are absolutely hilarious and a great storyteller….the censor bar LOL, and the baby’s head popping out…aww…this really made my day! Dropping by from SITS!
So glad that you enjoyed it, Janelle! 🙂 And don’t let it scare you too much. It wasn’t that bad, really. And at least I got a great story out of it. Oh, and a baby, let’s not forget about him 😉
This was awesome! The drawings and humor – oh my goodness, I almost peed giggling!
Nothing makes me happier than when a reader pees their pants 😉 Glad you liked it! 🙂
This is one of the best birthing stories I’ve ever read. I’m sorry you had so much pain. That said, I love your illustrations – I just about peed my pants laughing so hard. Thanks for this!
It definitely was a lot of pain, but really, honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I freak out just as much now over a paper cut, you’d think I’d never had my nether regions ripped to shreds before 😉
And if I had to pee my pants, everyone has to! 🙂
Thanks for featuring me, Chris! 🙂
Seriously. This was INCREDIBLE. like, best ever. Loved it. all of it.
Thank you.
And I couldn’t agree more. It was hell (and oh-so-beautiful), but literally, hell.
~Jenna
I’m so glad you liked it, Jenna 🙂
Birth is the biggest oxymoron: the most horrible wonderful thing you can experience!
Oh my goodness, Jenn! I feel like I just pushed a baby out after reading this! First off, you are hilarious! The part where you say you became naked had me laughing out loud. And your illustrations are awesome. I love the one where you look like Wilson. You are a true tough chick for going through all that unmedicated. Holy Cow! I don’t know how you did it. If I was you, I would have been mad at my doula for telling me to go back to bed. But, that’s just me. You have such a nice attitude about it all too. Amazing! I was selling my soul for an epidural at 8cm. So glad to have found your blog!!!
Thank you, Jennifer! 🙂 I didn’t even have Wilson in the illustration at first, but the more I saw it the more it reminded me of it, so I had to add it in there 😉
After my terrible c-section experience with the pushy doctor and all the interventions, the plan was to stay at home as long as possible, so I didn’t mind my doula going back to bed. The fact that my hubby slept soundly next to me as our son tried to jackhammer his way out of me had me more upset 😉
This is, by far, the most hilarious thing I have ever read regarding child birth. And as a VBAC-ing Mama myself, I’ve read A LOT. You have such a gift for seeing the sunny side of life, even if it is after your special purpose has been razor bladed and you’ve urinated on yourself more than a newborn. Props, Jenn; this is FABULOUS!
OMG is it opposite day?! Because I have never in my life had someone tell me (a sarcastic, negative, pessimist) that I have a “gift for seeing the sunny side” of anything, hahahaha! But I welcome the compliment anyway 😉
At the very least I can find the humor in most situations…I hope. I plan on rewriting Adaline’s birth story with illustrations and more “light hearted” tone, but I am having trouble making it funny because I’m still bitter about it. We shall see…
Thanks so much for sharing my post 🙂
ROFL! You are a master storyteller! How the heck do they sterilize those chainsaws anyway? Makes my birth story look pretty tame, though I’m thinking that maybe I need you to illustrate it!
You just say the word and I will totally illustrate your birth story! 🙂
I love this story! I was at work on break and laughing to myself, no doubt looking a little crazy! My cousin actually shared this with me. I have two kiddies. I would say considering a lot of other stories both were kind of easy. Zander my 8 year old, took a little over 12 hrs of labor, and about a half hour max of pushing. I didn’t want to use any pain meds which was fine all the way until i was given pitosin(if that’s how it is spelled). My water broke 12 hours before that and I wouldn’t seem to dilate any more. About a half hour later I asked the nurse for an epidural b/c I couldn’t take any more pain. I assumed I was only at about 6. The nurse only made it to the door before I told her we don’t have time he’s coming now! I kid you not, she told me to wait! The body does not wait! The doctor was running late so the nurse was taking care of everything. His head got stuck and she was about to start cutting (didn’t even bother to see if I was ok with it) the doc walked in just in time to stop her and adjusted Zanders chin and out popped his head! He was born at 12:27 pm July 5th, I had been up since about 7 am the morning before. I feel asleep as soon as they handed him to me! Olivia my 4 year was induced on Dec. 23, I went in at 9 am. I barely complained on any contraction, my nurse was stunned by that. But I do remember once I started pushing it felt like my vajajay was being torched! Luckily, she was out in 3, I repeat 3 pushes! Yes giving birth is painful, but I tell ya it is the only pain that is worth it. I’ve known a few people to have both a c-section and natural, all have said the natural was way easier on them.
Michelle, thank you sooo much for commenting and sharing your stories with me, I really appreciate it! 🙂
You sure lucked out with that first birth changing courses the last minute, because it sounds like they would’ve had you pegged for a c-section.
And 3 pushes?! Awesome! I probably pushed about 300 times 😉 But you’re right, it was sooo worth it and a much better experience than my c-section, despite the scary looking pictures 😉
Thanks again for sharing 🙂
This is my favorite birth story ever. EVER! So frakking hilarious. The pictures had me rolling. I love you even harder now.
It could only have been better if, instead of giving birth completely nude, I had been wearing a Bob Ross t-shirt 😉
OMG I may pee myself, too just from reading this! Well, I have never given birth, because I am personally CFBC then met and married a man with daughters (after swearing I’d never marry a man with kids LOL). This was one of the best things I’ve read. Ever. I am a new stalker, errr follower of this blog, by the way. So glad I found you through the SITS Blogging Saturday Sharefest!
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OMG, this has to be the funniest and best pictured birth story I’ve read so far…and I read TONS while pregnant. While funny, I love that you VBAC’d (I’ve had 2 now), and the whole Pretty Woman thing was probably the best part. I too, wanted to do that.
Here is our birth story, while not as funny, I also had prodromal and a total labor of 37 blissful hours. Ahhhhh, the memories. I’d love for you to come comment and link your birth story!
http://justalittlemel.wordpress.com/2013/11/23/hannahs-birth-story/
I also have a VBAC/CS info links blog:)
http://justalittlemel.wordpress.com/2014/04/30/vbac-cs-links/
That was awesome. I particularly like the random Tom Hanks / Wilson reference. Thanks so much for posting.
First baby-18 hours of labor with an emergency C-section. Told me I probably could not get preggo again and would need a hysterectomy. Had a tunor growing alongside with her. (9 lbs baby)
Second baby (miracle pregnancy)-HUGE baby (they thought he was 12 lbs but turned out to be 10) next day C-section after doctor visit…MAJOR problems after birth.
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OMG, now that’s a birth story. You pulled your tongue muscle! Wow. And the never mind, I peed myself illustration. Hahahaha!
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This was quite possibly the best birth story of all time. LOVE the pics!!!!! My first due on 2/4/12.. this time of year is making me nostalgic…she was actually born on 2/18. She was born at home (on purpose) and hell yes it was empowering (see cartoon “I want to push out all the babies!” (love). My second was born at home this summer (also planned) and was also 9 lbs 6 oz. Which makes no sense b/c I am 5’0″. My midwife also encouraged me to “breathe” her out and she told me to practice doing this with my poops halfway through the pregnancy, and even though it seemed crazy, I did it, and things worked out well. No tearing.
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Actually can’t stop laughing! Exactly what I need to read at 39wks with baby no2 waiting for a vbac. Although my emcs with baby 1 was completely necessary at 31wks and not like your section. My favourite part is the illustration of the baby in uterus with tnt sticks 🙂 thank you for your honest and wonderful account xx